NEW RULES!

[The Hatter]

Okay. I've been thinking about putting some of my political slander on the forum for quite some time now....and I guess I had to take my note from Bill Maher, in his "New Rules" section of his show Real Time with Bill Maher. So each week I'll do my best to put up new rules that should be instated by whatever governing body would be in charge. Feel free to comment...please. Also keep in mind that I'm trying to be funny here, so I don't need people lambasting me for pointing out or putting up these JOKES....that just so happen to have a ring of truth in them.

Let's start out with New Rules!

NEW RULE: The Air and Space Administration, must design a space shuttle....that can fly in the rain! So what it's covered in tiles. So is my shower and it still works when it's wet.

NEW RULE: Americans can't make fun of Kim Jong Il's hair as long as we are represented by John Bolton. Who is weirder? The guy who's looks says "I'm stuck in the fifties".? or the one who's look says, "Got Milk?".

NEW RULE: Men don't care how expensive your bra is. The only thing they care about as far as bras go, is does it unfasten in the front or the back. The Victoria's Secret Christmas Cataloge features a 6.5 Million dollar bra studded with diamonds, saphires and rubies. And guess what guys? It's the perfect bra for your misstress...because it's almost guaranteed that she won't leave it in your truck.

And Finaly, NEW RULE: If you think that the worst thing that Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned ground-water had turned spinach into a "Side-dish of Mass Destruction". Read the labels on your food. It just so happens to turn out that the most healthy thing to put into your body IS Mark Floey's penis.

But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.

And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?

When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.

You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.

So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.

I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!

So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot, then the person fucking him...is you.

[The Hatter]

Okay once again it is time for NEW RULES!


Alright NEW RULE: The world has to wake up and do something about Darfur. Not to mention stopping in Paris on the way back to help this lady.


NEW RULE: The head of the CIA should be scary looking.... I don't care that he's a general. I do however care that he looks like Chicken Little...


NEW RULE: When you screw up royally and attribute your behavior to alcoholism, then mental illness, and then claim you where molested as a child by a Catholic priest, you have to just say "Screw it.". And keep going and say you were also beaten, dyslexic, babysat by John Mark Karr, wore hand-me-down clothes, got picked last in kickball, turned tricks for money, lived out of a van, had superfluous nipples and got sent back to Cuba by Janet Reno.


NEW RULE: The next Democratic candidate for president mus not wait until after the election...TO SHOW US HIS BALLS. Al Gore didn't make the environment and issue while running for president, but now that his only job is walking his dog, hes all over it. And now John Kerry says he's now prepared to kick the asses of the Swift Boat vets who smeared him. A little late John, who's running your campaign? FEMA?


NEW RULE: Someone must tell President Bush where his heart is. Great, now with the other hand, tap your head and say, "rubber baby buggy bumpers, rubber baby buggy bumpers." Most people don't clutch the wrong organ, but then again, most people don't invade the wrong country.


And finally NEW RULE: Now that an international panel of "scientists" has decided to "cut-and-run" on the planet pluto, I say it's time for the United States to cut it's ties with science altogether and withdraw from the solar system. Hey it worked for Kyoto and the Geneva Convention. Sorry, Poindexters, but this is God's country, and as long as George Bush is president, the science is still out on science.

Now I know many of my Republican friends got very excited when all this talk started recently about adding three new planets to our solar system because what could be better in all of life than having three new things to name after Reagan? But then they realized what was really going on. Activist scientists were trying to get away with a little election year redistricting of the universe. Adding new planets when we should be enforcing the planets we already have.

Goddamn it! Why hasn't someone introduced the Defense of Planet Act? To protect the sanctity of planet-hood by defining is solely as the relationship between the Sun and Uranus. I mean Pluto is out, Pluto is in. You let planets swing both ways like that, next thing you know people are marrying their pets. Not to mention adding more planets would drastically reduce our chances of winning Miss Universe.

Now, we have tried to get along with the rest of the stars and planets and the scientific principals of obervation. But, you know, there comes a time when you have to say, "Enough is enough! I want faith. I want certainty. I want Santa Claus. And the Star Wars Missile Shield, and tax cuts and wars that pay for themselves! I want our kids to learn that the stars in the sky are really bedazzle beads on the Virgin Mary's sweatshirt. I want Terri Schiavo to wake up back in Kansas with her little dog, Toto, and a bedroom full of overly familiar farmhands."

I guess what I'm saying is, "You're either with us, or with the scientists." The most important American rite is the freedom to never learn anything. "Too Much Information." isn't just a cliched way to say "Shut Up, it was actually Bush's campaign slogan.

So whenever someone tells you we evolved from apes or the earth is getting warmer or they've used something called a "telescope" to learn more about Heaven, just tell them, "TMI, Brainiac! Go back to France, or worse, the Democratic Party." Because this is America and there is only one question that needs to be answered here: "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!?!"

[alexander]

LLLLLLLOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL!!!!! I'm loving these new rules man.

(In The Congress Room)

'Those who wish to put the new rules into affect immediately, say I'

(Alexander)

'I'

[The Hatter]

Alright since it is that time of the year that I love so fervently, i.e Halloween it's time for a few themed NEW RULES!



COST-TOMBS/WHY ME GORD!?
NEW RULE: Bank tellers must stop dressing up in Halloween costumes. In the time it took to put all that white facepaint on you could have been here cashing my check. This is a bank, not a college dorm room. Your service charges are scary enough. And while we're at it, STOP! Stop trying to make my supermarket look like an old-country farmsted. We get it. It's Fall. So the floor is made of old wood shake boards and the fruit is stacked in hay, but this must stop. Because the other day my cart got stuck in a steaming pile of horseshit.



MEIN GOTT!
NEW RULE: Just because your drunk and its October doesn't make it Octoberfest. When you get drunk in November, it isn't Novemberfest. It's just Thanksgiving and you still hate your relatives. Besides, we allready know what happens when people get drunk and start acting like Germans.


STEM THE DEBATE
NEW RULE: Republicans must get honest why they oppose Stem Cell Research. It's not because a frozen speck on a microscope slide constitues life. It's because it shows promise in restoring spinal cord tissue, and that could help the Democrats.



THE DARK HORSE ISSUE
NEW RULE: It's alright once in awhile for a black man to be the dumb person in a T.V comercail. It seems like every comerical on T.V, it's the black guy who knows the fastest wireless network, know the best car rental company, knows the best place to buy music, and knows what insurance company to get coverage from. You know, black people aren't always smarter than white people...it just seems that way by comparisson...




TANKS BUT NO TANKS!
NEW RULE: In two parts. One; You can't call yourself a think-tank if all of your ideas are stupid, and two, if you're someone from one of the think tanks that dreamed up the Iraq War, and who predicted that we'd be greeted as liberators, and that we wouldn't need a lot of troops, and that Iraqi oil would pay for the war, that the WMD's would be found, that the looting wasn't problematic, and the mission was accomplished, that the insurgency was in its last throes, that things would get better after the people voted, after the government was formed, after we got Saddam, after we got his kids, after we got Zarqawi, and that the whole bloody mess wouldn't turn into a civil war...you have to stop making predictions!

You know, there's a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time: husbands. You know, it's a shame what happened to think tanks. They used to produce valuable, apolitical analysis. But partisanship crept into many of them. And the Bush Administration doesn't just come up with something as stupid as "If we leave now, they'll follow us home." No, they have someone from a think tank say it first. It's a way to lend respectability. The same reason a titty bar has food. I hear.

The think tanks that incubated the Iraq war have lofty names like the Heritage Foundation and the Project for a New American Century. Whatever. They've been wrong so often, I'm surprised they're not my accountant. Richard Perle thought we could win Iraq with 40,000 troops. Paul Wolfowitz predicted, in 2003, that within a year, the grateful people of Baghdad would name some grand square in their fine city after President Bush. And he was right when he said they'd be waving American flags. They where....they were on fire.

William Kristol pooh-poohed the fears that Sunnis and Shiites would be at each others' throats, as "the stuff of pop psychology." Right. And having your head chopped off is just a quick way to drop 11 pounds. Kristol, of course, is revered by much of the right because he was Dan Quayle's chief of staff, and was known as "Quayle's Brain." You know that. Which sounded impressive until I remembered Dan Quayle didn't have a brain.

And now, Mr. Kristol proposes immediate military action against Iran, predicting the Iranians will thank us for it. Hey, you know what, Nostrodamus? Why don't you sit this one out?

We'll get by using the Magic Eight Ball for a while. Because you guys have been so wrong about so much for so long, people are actually turning to the Democrats. So, we can say Iraq was a noble experiment, if that helps you. Our intention was good: to penetrate Iraq and bring it to a glorious, euphoric climax. But it's clear now that's just not going to happen. And yet we're still pounding away.Causing the whole area to become painfully inflamed. And in that situation, the kindest thing you can do is...just pull out.

[The Hatter]

Okay I just can't cover all of the crap thats been happening lately so it's time for NEW RULES 2nd Fall Edition.




GRAB BAG
NEW RULE: If you forgot to buy Halloween candy, just say so. Don't hand out random crap from your kitchen! This year there was a guy on our block handing out batteries and packets of soy sauce. I was half tempted to poke his eye out with my fairy wand.




FUCK FOR FUCKS SAKE!
NEW RULE: Stop calling Homosexuality an unnatural act. See in the above picture it's happening in nature. As it does in 1,500 animal speicies including humans. If you want to see an unatural act, go see Cirque du Soleil.



WHO SAYS THE REPUBLICANS SUCK? THEY DO.
NEW RULE: The next Republican National Convention must be held in a giant closet. Every week, there's a new gay Republican outed. I have a feeling that big tent they're always talking about is in their pants! There are so many Republicans in the closet, their symbol shouldn't be an elephant; it should be a moth!



GHOULS...GHOSTS...AND DOUBLE D'S!?
NEW RULE:Women must admit that Halloween is just an excuse to dress like a whore. Ladies, nurses don't wear fishnet stockings. Kittens don't own pushup bras. And real French maids don't shave their underarms. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for women getting in touch with their "inner slut," but, 'fess up, Halloween has become less about candy and more about the "Haunted Ho's." Besides, if I've got a steady stream of half-dressed tarts showing up at my door all night, I'll have to explain myself to my boyfriend. I'm glad I'm not running for senator in Tennessee.




WE ARE THE "FRIENDS" IN LOW PLACES
NEW RULE: America must stop bragging that it's the greatest country on earth and start acting like it. Now, I know this is uncomfortable for the faith-over-facts crowd, but the greatness of a country can, to a large degree, be measured. Here are some numbers: Infant mortality rate, America ranks 48th in the world; overall health, 72nd; freedom of the press, 44; literacy, 55th. Do you realize there are 12-year-old kids in this country who can't spell the name of the teacher they're having sex with?

Now, America, I will admit, has done many great things: making the New World democratic comes to mind, the Marshall Plan, curing polio, beating Hitler, the deep-fried Twinkie, But what have we done for us lately? We're not the freest country. That would be Holland, where you can smoke hash in church, and Janet Jackson's nipple is on their flag.

And, sadly, we're no longer a country that can get things done, either. Not big things, like building a tunnel under Boston or running a war with competence. We had six years to fix the voting machines. Couldn't get that done. The FBI is just now getting email!

Prop 87 out in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, "If Brazil can do it, America can, too." Excuse me, since when did America have to buck itself up by saying we could catch up to Brazil?! We invented the airplane and the lightbulb. They invented the bikini wax, and now they're ahead?!

In most of the industrialized world, nearly everyone has health care. And hardly anyone doubts evolution. And, yes, having to live amid so many superstitious dimwits is also something that affects quality of life. It's why America isn't going to be the country that gets the inevitable patents in stem cell cures, because Jesus thinks it's too close to cloning!

Oh, and did I mention we owe China a trillion dollars? We owe everybody money. America is a debtor nation to Mexico! We're not on a bridge to the 21st century. We're on a bus to Atlantic City with a roll of quarters.

And this is why it bugs me that so many people talk like it's 1955 and we're still number one in everything. We're not. And I take no glee in saying this, because I love my country, and I wish we were. But when you're number 55 in this category and number 92 in that one, you look a little silly waving the big foam "Number One" finger.

As long as we believe being the greatest country in the world is a birthright, we'll keep coasting on the achievements of earlier generations and we'll keep losing the moral high ground. Because we may not be the biggest or the healthiest or the best educated. But we always did have one thing no other place did. We knew soccer was bullshit.

And...we also had a little thing called the Bill of Rights. A great nation doesn't torture people or make them disappear without a trial. Bush keeps saying the terrorists hate us for our freedom. And he's working damn hard to see that pretty soon that won't be a problem.

[The Hatter]

Okay yeah I know I've been sliping with the New Rules. And to make up for it I'm doing a double edition.

Here they are...NEW RULES!


HALLO-WHINE
NEW RULE: People have to stop harassing Bill Maher for his most recent Halloween costume. Yes it's him dressed as Steve Irwin with a bloody barb sticking out of his chest. It's been all over the internet since OCTOBER! Because people who really love animals know, if you got killed by one, chaces are you where doing something you shouldn't have been. it's not a cuddle-ray, or a hug-ray, it's a Stingray for christ's sakes! Do they want him to appologize for a joke he made? Who do they they think he is? John Kerry?



VICE PRESIDENT QUAIL
NEW RULE: Stop calling what Dick Cheney does "hunting." Cheney spent election day in Pierre, South Dakota, massacring small, tame animals that someone tossed in front of his gun. The only good news was it was the first time in months you heard a Republican was in Pierre, and Pierre wasn't a little boy.



HILL STREET BRUISE
NEW RULE: The LAPD must be put in charge of the war in Iraq. A few weeks ago, somone filmed an LAPD police crew punching the hell out of suspect and put it all over Youtube. Not to mention...we know they can catch crazy, raving, Jew-hating fanatics...they caught this guys didn't they?




GET OUT OF MY BUS-INESS!
NEW RULE: You have to stop making your kid stare at me. I just watched you cave in to each of his ride time demands, for his Teddy Grahams, his sippy-cup, his "binkie." And now you're going to let him turn around and eyeball me for a half-hour. Geez, you'd never think he's seen a guy get a handjob on public transit before.



YALE WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH...
NEW RULE: Someone has to explain to President Bush that a timetable doesn't involve him actually having to know his times tables. I finally figured out the problem. Someone suggests "timetable" and he thinks, "6 times 9; 8 times 7...fuck it, no way, stay the course."


CHRIST THIS MOVIE TUX!
NEW RULE: You can't tell me you're making James Bond up to date when he's still wearing a tuxedo to the casino. Have you been to Laughlin, Nevada? You're lucky if the player sitting next to you puts in his teeth! You know how you can tell a high roller? His sweatpants are clean! There's a name for people who wear tuxedos in casinos: magicians.


WAY OVERDUE!
NEW RULE: When the Iraq Study Group gets done studying Iraq, they have to study America. Now, I know liberals have been on a high these past weeks. And it can't be the meth because that's a gay evangelical drug. But, let's remember that all that really happened was Republicans went so bat-shit for so long that common sense seemed like a new idea.

But we still don't have real diversity. Oh, Congress looks like America, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, and whatever else is in Barack Obama—but diversity of thought? There's not one atheist in Congress, not one person who favors legalizing drugs, not even one who'd admit they like to party! Except Nancy Pelosi, she's a freak.

Oh, if only she were. But Nancy Pelosi isn't going to try to cut the defense budget or really tax gasoline or socialize hospitals. The far right has taken over the Republican Party, but the far left? Doesn't even exist. If we were really looking for a new direction, we wouldn't just change Congress, we'd have another Constitutional Convention, as Thomas Jefferson suggested we do.

That's right. Jefferson said, "Let us provide in our Constitution for its revision every 20 years." Because no founder, no matter how brilliant, could have imagined the iPod! Or global warming. Or assault rifles. Or roving wiretaps. They couldn't imagine using toilet paper instead of bark!

If Ben Franklin got beamed in to visit us today, the first thing he'd say is, "For $17 I get porn on the hotel TV all day?" And then he'd say, "You guys are still using that same old thing we wrote over 200 years ago, that we told you to revise?! That's so nuts, hemp must still be legal!"

So I could name a dozen things that could use a rewrite in the Constitution, like getting rid of the Electoral College. And getting rid of "corporate personhood." But, for today, let's just start with that vague part about what you can get impeached for. How about, starting unnecessary wars, yes; getting blown, no.

And while we're at it, let's get rid of the 22nd Amendment that says you can't run for president more than twice? Because that's just hatin'. If a guy can win the popular vote, he should be able to run, or that's not a democracy. Bill Clinton should be able to run for president in 2008, period. It would be worth it just to see him debate Hillary.



LEVEL HEADED....LITERALY
NEW RULE: There's just something about a crew cut that says, "You can trust me." There's your boy. This is Montana's new senator, John Tester. I don't know much about him. And I don't need to. His hair says it all. "I'm friendly, I'm dependable, I'm literally level-headed." If hair could smile, it would look like this. And most importantly, it's hair that says, "You will never ever, ever, ever find me snorting meth with a gay hooker."

Which brings me to our final NEW RULE...

PASTOR OIL
NEW RULE:There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last month, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, "John Kerry hates our troops."

Now, this was big news because Reverend Haggard was frequently at the White House and a big fan of President Bush, who he described as "tan, supple and firm where it counts." And as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, Haggard presided over 45,000 churches and was a rock star for the Christian right. And like a rock star, he was getting his freak on a lot.

Sometimes, the sodomy left him so exhausted he could barely use idiotic, old fairy tales to get people's money. Yes, Reverend Haggard was leading a shameful double life. But, hey, you can't keep being an evangelist secret forever. I could have done that joke better. All right.

Now, I bring this up because I believe it connects deeply to the Republican rout these past couple of weeks. They lost because they came to represent the opposite of everything they were supposed to be. Competent? No. Spendthrift? Hardly. Ethical? Rarely. And the last straw was when the party that was at least supposed to be carrying the water for the gay bashers turned out to be a closet full of repressed screamers.

Who knew when the Republicans got in bed with the Christian right, it would be in a stall inside of a truck stop restroom on the New Jersey Turnpike?

Reverend Haggard's plight led many to ask, "Is it genetic? I mean, can a man actually be born a hypocrite?" Because Ted Haggard was the leader of a mega-church. And mega-churches are presided over by the same skeevy, door-to-door Bible salesmen that we've always had, just in an age of better technology. But they're selling the same thing: fear. Fear to keep you in line. And to get your money.

And it's not a coincidence the Republican Party has, in recent years, operated in the same way. It's also no coincidence that people of too much faith just don't see reality. Bush not seeing Iraq for what it is, is not that different from the way Reverend Ted's followers still think he's not gay.

I'm not kidding. In their world, there are no gay people. There are just straight people who are sinning. They don't want to do it, but the Devil makes them! He targets people like Reverend Ted. That's how it happened. The Devil got hold of Reverend Ted, and Ted said, "Get thee behind me, Satan! And put it in, gently."

Come on, the man was anointing people with Astroglide! He was preaching "fire and rhinestone!"

In conclusion, I'd just like to say, on this historic year, that the legacy of the religious right will be that, despite their holy pretenses, they made politics not cleaner, but dirtier. Because when you're so sure you're right, you wind up acting so wrong.

And as for Reverend Ted himself, the good news is that he is in full recovery, and says he'll be receiving both spiritual advice and guidance. The bad news is, it's from Andy Dick.

[The Hatter]

Okay, one of the reasons why this thread has been lax is because I'm not sure if people are reading them or even if they care. If you'd like me to continue to put new ones up please tell me, as long as I know at least one person is reading them I'll put them up.

Thanks.

Kerez

[The Hatter]

Okay again with the new rules, only this time it's abit late, I ment to post this on October 31st, but since I've been moving and didn't have internet at the appartment until just now I might as well post it now.

NEW RULES!

New Rule: If your dog has to dress up like a human on Halloween, then you have to sleep on the floor naked and drink out of the toilet. Or, as Andy Dick calls it: Saturday.

New Rule: George Bush cannot meet with any more foreign leaders. Seriously, does anyone doubt that this man is still capable of one more ginormous f*ck-up? Here he is this week meeting with Liberian president Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf , or as he kept calling her, "Weezie." By the time they were done, she had our nuclear - codes, and he got to try on that hat.

New Rule: Now that its economy has collapsed, let's also bail out Iceland, and make it the 51st state. I like Iceland. It's like Alaska without the yahoos. Plus, they're all gorgeous and their favorite food is Ecstasy. And if you're bothered that 51 isn't an even number, then, New Rule: North and South Dakota must be renamed "Dakota." There, now give me Iceland.

New Rule: Either cover up the boobs or lose the baby. Preferably the latter. For God's sake, Salma Hayek, do you have any idea what kind of mixed signals you're giving my friend's penises? It's up, it's down, it's up, it's down. It's like they have the Dow Jones Average in their pants!

And, finally, New Rule: Stop saying you're glad it's almost over. This has been, without a doubt, the most interesting, unpredictable political season of my lifetime. The kind that John Edwards will one day be telling his illegitimate grandchildren about. Don't let anyone tell you this wasn't the most amazing election ever. And not just for the obvious historical reason that, for the first time ever, one of the candidates was, you know, insane.

So, before we're all rounded up and sent to socialist re-education camps, let's take one last walk down memory lane to remember the faces of 2008, starting with George Bush. Americans were so sick of Bush, that seven years after 9/11, they said, "You know what sounds good? A black guy with a Muslim name."

This election was historic in so many ways. The Democrats had their first viable female candidate. And so did the Republicans.
The Republicans, who had three candidates who proudly said they did not believe in evolution. Which became ironic when their campaigns quickly died off in favor of stronger, fitter campaigns.

Yes, there was a lot of road kill in 2008. The senator with the best hair made a baby with the woman with the worst hair. Yes, Edwards cared so much about the poor, he did it with a bag lady.

This was - oh, I'll pray - this was an election where every week brought a new phony outrage: Obama is not wearing a flag pin! Michele Obama isn't proud of her country! ACORN turned in a registration form signed "Duran Duran!" Oh, wait, there really is a guy in New Mexico named Duran Duran?

We learned - we learned that Barack Obama sat in a pew of Trinity United Church of Christ every week for 20 years. Which proved he was a Muslim. And that John McCain didn't go to church at all; which proved he was a Christian. Give me a terrorist bump there.

But, ultimately, the man responsible for John McCain's campaign was John McCain, a man who lived a long, long... long life - full of courage, straight talk and vision... and then threw it all straight down the toilet in ten months.

Who can ever forget the Biden-Palin debate, the "Thrilla in Wasilla" - the "thinker against the winker." "The reader versus the breeder."

Ah, the Palins, the salt of the earth, the heart of the country, and the bottom of the barrel. Alaska's first family of freeloaders, who did prove one thing without a doubt: we're building the fence on the wrong border.

Well, we're coming down to the wire now, America, and before that final "B" has been carved in our faces - - let's remember the man John McCain chose to elevate as the "everyman" representation of all of us: Joe the Plumber, who dared to speak delusions to power, and spoke for the millions of voices in his head. A man who is proof that there's nothing more powerful than an idea, a really stupid idea. Like the government taking away money you don't have, but might, if you got a job, which you won't.

So, that's it. Four more days, my friends. And then, by the grace of Allah - Comrade Obama and his Nubian army will usher in a new era of socialism and gay marriage.