New Poem

[Kensai]

Okay I struggle with titles, find sometimes that they ruin the poem -false expectations and all that,
Anyways here is my latest poem, inspired by hours of typing study notes on my PC:

No title
Wires
I am connected to these wires
Amidst these cables and ports
You will find my soul.

Plugged in
I am linked to this computer
Within the gentle hum of fans
You will hear my spirit

Energy
Slowly sapped through the glow
I stare blankly at this plastic face
Until I see my own self.

Time
Idled away in this world
Seeking answers from a machine
That knows or has no essence.

[gryphonpoet]

Nice weaving of the metaphor into the reality of the relationship between you and the machine. I like this one very much. Form, feel and message. Nice work!

[Kensai]

Ok, rather than plague the boards with yet another thread. I'll just add to this one

This is actually more a prayer than a poem, and is one that I thought of a very long time ago. Please comment and suggest

Guide me not into the tiger's jaws
Lest tomorrow brings peace.
Make me strong and brave,
Lest the world turns its back on me
Grant me a place of joy and peace,
Lest tomorrow I must wake to fight again

I added later: My spirit is free, it dwells in a place in the clouds

[gryphonpoet]

I love it! Nice work, Kensai.

[The Hatter]

I really enjoy the poem Kensai ^_^. It sounds very cyber-punk to me, almost like something one might hear while watching Ghost in the Shell.

[Kensai]

I'm glad you like it, gryphonpoet

I actually created it about 3-4 years ago when I first started playing ST sims in a Bulletin Board format. It sort of became my one character's mantra when things got tough or hard...

The second part, that I just remembered went:
Keep me safe,
Keep me strong.
Keep me sane,
Keep me where I belong. ;D

As for the first poem, that was devised when I was studying. I usually type my notes on the PC, so I needed a break from the monotony that is Web Services, so I wrote that poem.
I have another one somewhere along the same themes... I plan to write more of my 'connection' with machines -> as soon as I get inspiration

[Kensai]

The part in italics was written later, and doesn't really go with the rest of the poem...
Dedicated to a certain Saint who occasionally whispers in my mind :

If God spoke to me
What would he say?
Would he tell me to be brave
Or sacrifice everything to save the day?

If God asked me
To pick up my sword and shield
Would I raise my voice
And lead armies on an unknown field?

If God told me
That tomorrow I return to His waiting arm
Would the angels comfort me
And would I remain collected and calm?

And if God stood with me...
At that final hour and minute
Would my cries be heard by His army
And return me to the heavens?

Thoughts???

[gryphonpoet]

It seems that the last verse doesn't fit with the pattern of the poem. The flow and the message seem intact with the writing.

In the previous three verses, you rhymed the second and fourth lines. The last one breaks the pattern. Since everything in poetry is about patterns and flow, it feels quite awkward when reading.

Personally, I thought this was a captivating retelling of the St. Joan of Ark's story. (Yeah, I know. Michael is who spoke to her. Can you say, "poetic license"?) In a few words, you took a snapshot of the short life from the perspective of the bitter end.

I like. A lot.

[Atreides Conscript]

kensai said:

I actually created it about 3-4 years ago when I first started playing ST sims in a Bulletin Board format. It sort of became my one character's mantra when things got tough or hard...

The second part, that I just remembered went:
Keep me safe,
Keep me strong.
Keep me sane,
Keep me where I belong. ;D

Nice. I'm reminded a great deal of Lefler's Laws from ST: The Next Generation. It's amazing how simple bits like that make characters so much more believable.

[Kensai]

If God spoke to me
What would he say?
Would he tell me to be brave
Or sacrifice everything to save the day?

If God asked me
To pick up my sword and shield
Would I raise my voice
And lead armies on an unknown field?

If God told me
That tomorrow I return to His waiting arm
Would the angels comfort me
And would I remain collected and calm?

And if God stood with me...
And heard my silent cries
Would my voice be heard by His army
And return me safely to the skies?

Note the update

[gryphonpoet]

A big improvement that kept the form and flow of the poem while still telling the story. Nice job of editing. (eek! Not that nasty e-word that no poet likes to do... )

[Kensai]

A very impulsive poem... Written in the spur of the moment


I cannot stop these thoughts
As they trickle back in a moment's weakness
A silent roaring that is never seen
A mute battle as I look away

How long must it fester in my heart?
Until I banish it with tears.
How many hearts am I breaking?
With every decision I make

My heart mumbles a reply
My head moves onto other things
My body is clueless in the mud
But my spirit stays here

[gryphonpoet]

Nice work, Cathy. It sounds as though you were thinking about Catherine Raiser when you wrote it. At least it would apply to her, given her subplot so far.

The only real changes that I would do, personally, would be to use punctuation throughout the poem. That would set up the changes that I'd make for the final verse. Also, I would delete the 'But' from the last line. It brings the line back into the pattern, but keeps it different enough to echo in the reader's head.

Example:

I cannot stop these thoughts,
A moment's weakness and they trickle back.
A silent roaring that is never seen.
A mute battle as I look away.

How long must it fester in my heart?
Until I banish it with tears.
How many hearts am I breaking?
With every decision I make

My heart mumbles a reply.
My head moves onto other things.
My body lies clueless in the mud.
My spirit stays here.

I love the concept and the flow you have here. I am certain that this poem is quite publishable.

[Kensai]

Save me from the silence of this moment.
Deliver me to an occupied mind.
Where I have no time to wander
in the fields of my thoughts
Keep me from this music constantly echoing.
Stop the heart from thinking.

[gryphonpoet]

Deliver me to an occupied mind,
where I have no time to wander
in the fields of my thoughts.

What an excellent metaphor. I loved it! The one comment I can make about this is the period instead of a comma after "occupied mind". Otherwise, the next two lines are a grammatically incomplete sentence.

Personally, I think this is the best poem I've seen from you so far, Cathy.

[Kensai]

Detach myself from your pain.
Leave me to breathe once again.
Complete Triumph and Defeat.
Shared with someone I may not meet

[dsim94]

Nicely written, Kensai.
But how about checking out some of my poetry.
In "Dsim94's Poetry."

[Kensai]

For the person who doesn't see he is a hero inside:

I want to lift you up,
But my arms fail again.
I want to lift you up,
Let you see the light and sky above.
But your head is bowed
And the tear trickles down your cheek

[gryphonpoet]

Kensai, this one leaves me hanging. Fill out some of the details. This hass an awesome start, now keep it going with some of the backgroud story. Then finish it with a nice, big BANG!

I'll be waiting.