New poem

[Kensai]

Okay, haven't thought of a title. Very spur of the moment

Weep, child of the information age.
Your blessing of a machine of power and circuits is not strong enough any more.

Suffer, follower of the animated and fantastical world of games.
Your world is fading and disappearing.

Cry out, needer of better and powerful machinery.
Watch as your made-up heroes and villains fade from view.

Without latest technology, you are forced to relinquish your joy, your escape, your pleasure and your happiness.
Without funds, more important things come to view
And you are forced to live in the real world

[gryphonpoet]

I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of putting my suggestions in parentheses between your words. The question marks are suggestions about sentence structure. I believe the technique is called "interlinear", but I could be mistaken.

Here goes...


Weep, child of the information age (maybe capitalize Information Age?).

Your blessing of a machine of power and circuits (Your blessed machine of power and circuits ?) is not strong enough (implies a physical strength) any more. (any longer. ?)


Suffer, follower of the (you who follow the ?) animated and fantastical (fantastic means the same thing and feels simpler, less clumsy in the reader's head) world of games.
Your world is fading and disappearing (Fades and disappears ? ...I prefer more active tenses of verbs. That makes the reader feel carried along by the words).

Cry out (very similar to weep. 1st verse covers crying from the pain, 2nd deals with enduring the pain, how about a 3rd attribute you would like to address.), needer (Very awkward) of better and powerful machinery.
Watch as your made-up heroes and villains fade from view.

(line breaks...)Without latest technology, you are forced to relinquish your joy, your escape, your pleasure and your happiness.
Without funds, more important things come to view
And you are forced to live in the real world. (This verse feels overly complicated to me.)

(Technology, stripped from your shell,
leaves your bleeding world with a bandage of reality)

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Comment: I believe that the opening verses are a contract with the reader. They will want a similar structure and feel throughout your poem. If you have to break with the established pattern, make sure the reader finds it well worth the effort.

I know that the current trend is often "Less Is More". But without enough meat in the poem, the reader can starve. Don't be afraid to take an extra verse or two to give enough of your story. It is important enough for you to write it, make sure you do it right.

That is my Ha' penny. Please post the next revision, if you don't mind?

[Kensai]

Weep, child of the Information Age.
Your sacred machine of power and circuits is not formidable any more.

Suffer, disciple of the spirited and fantastical world of games.
Your world is fades and disappears.

Desire, dreamer of superior, powerful, monster machinery.
Watch as your made-up heroes and villains fade from view.

Without latest technology, you are forced to relinquish your joy, your escape, your pleasure and your happiness.
Without funds, reality breaks down your walls.
Without your escape, the real world wins.

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Unsure about the last verse, but lemme know. Not just gryphonpoet, you can all comment. Really, I can accept whatever you dish out You forget, like any artist, I am my own worst enemy!

[Kensai]

I promise I won't rip you all to shreds for commenting on my poem. I can understand if it's real crap promise ;D

[Lylie]

The last line of the poem breaks the flow of the poem. In most cases its ok, but in this case it takes something away from the meaning of the peom. Maybe you could reword it or add another stanza to it, but it just doesn't work the way that it is.