A Ballad to Perry

[alexander]

At the start of the long hour
A bloody battle seemed to last a year
However, one man made no blunder
His name,Oliver Hazard Perry, who's time was near

To prove they could defeat the critical threat at hand, he held firm to his ground
The words of valor he said next live on 'Don't loose the ship!' He fought though the unpeaseful arua
They fought until their bodies were like copper, alloud them the win by an error win with the force of a whip.
The pharse he said following the battle, 'We have met the enemy and they are ours.'

[eunhathes]

To be honest, the second verse is very wordy. Line for line, the lenghts and rhythm don't match. It feels almost like it also be three stanzas. Really, I like where the idea is going, but I think it needs revised. Umm... gryphonpoet, back me up here. I don't know how to explain poetry... I only know how to write it. >.<

[gryphonpoet]

I agree. Don't be afraid to take your time and tell the story in your mind, Alexander. Use as many verses as you need to accomplish the plot and setting.

Whatever the first verse does is a contract with the reader. If you deviate from that pattern, the reader will feel uncertain about the rest of the poem. So unless there is an effect you're trying for, follow what you've set down on the first verse.

Basically, you want the poem readable throughout. You've done that with the attention-getting, first four lines. Be calm about the presentation and deliver it well. The Battle of Lake Erie is a story worth telling. And I believe you can do it.

If you have any questions, you know where to find me.